Post by nebulaflare on Apr 19, 2014 3:51:10 GMT
I am slightly bothered that I've let Rose and Hawk's story grow to snowflake levels that are a bit too...snowflake. I don't want them to develop into Mary Sue / Marty Stu. I need the community's advice on how to retcon and tweak their tale. It needs to achieve a level where it's still believable - a reality that can work in our sci fi universe.
I couldn't figure out where to drop this thread, so if it needs to be moved elsewhere, please do. I'm looking for constructive criticism. Good, honest, solid, criticism. Please, do not hold back! Tell me all that you love and hate about my character's story.
To get the gist of their story, I've summed it up:
Rose Watson
---Jedrik Silverstone meets Maria Watson - they have a child, Rose Watson. Before Rose is born, Maria divorces Jedrik. Maria dies when Rose is age 3, and Rose is taken up to the orphanage.
---Rose grows up, gets into a lot of trouble as a kid/teen. Drops out of college, and sells drugs on the streets. She, and a group of friends form a small gang, and they work for a Mafia/black market. She picks up the nickname 'Rosie Thorns'. Police eventually arrest Rose, imprisoned for one year of hard labor. She spends six months hiding from the Mafia until her old friend Lori comes back to Mars and helps her move to Tau Ceti.
---Rose starts working for NanoTransen, gets into Security. She wants to leave her old life behind and start fresh. She apprentices under Lysanuh Dilgan to achieve Head of Security.
---One shift, her HoS implant is hacked by Syndicate. She unwillingly assassinates Dilgan (who gets cloned) and suffers severe trauma from the incident.
---NT is shocked how Rose managed to function despite the hacked implant, instead of succumbing to a raving madwoman. They begin to keep a close eye on her.
---One day, NT officials pulls a stunt and pretend to execute Dilgan. Rose begins to investigate his case, discovering that what was said on paper is a complete lie. With help, she plans to break into the morgue his body is kept and steal it to be recloned, but a Deathsquad is sent to kill her off - before touching down, however, they get the orders to instead bring her in alive.
---Arrested on the spot, Rose is implanted and given a choice: be killed for her combined crimes performed in Tau Ceti, and Mars, or agree to a military experiment. She chooses to live and goes with the experiments.
---Researchers try to understand her coping mechanism implanting her with modified loyalty chips to see if they can create a desired reaction. Their main goal, was to develop an artificial method that would assist in blocking out hacked implants. Slowly, Thorns influence becomes noticeable, Rose reverting back to the mindset she used when she was younger to get out of trouble. She begins thinking more like the criminal Rosie Thorns instead of following the learned SOP of NT.
---Rose is sent on a mission to infiltrate the Syndicate, but she fails and gets captured. The Syndicate torture her during interrogation, to the point Rose couldn't take it anymore, and she fully reverts to her hidden split personality, Thorns.
---Thorns, now implanted with a Syndicate chip, is made to work for the Syndies. One mission fails, and Rose/Thorns is killed in combat. NT retrieves her body and clones it.
---Rose tries to return to a normal life, but suffers from depression, PTSD, suicidal tendencies, and uncontrolled outbursts. One shift she snaps, and attacks the crew of her station. She's restrained and moved to an asylum.
---Officials are tired of putting up with Rose and decide to scrap her project. They order her to be executed. However, on the day of her execution, Jedrik Silverstone makes a desperate move and breaks her free, helping her get on a ship bound out of Tau Ceti. Jedrik is killed protecting Rose.
---Rose moves to Canthis Manoris, a star system far away from both NT and Syndicate influence. She's moved to a mental hospital, undergoing therapy and medication. Her split personality becomes complete, but Rose learns to control Thorns, and direct the persona to be less destructive.
Hawk Silverstone:
---Jedrik Silverstone had donated his DNA for genetic research - this ends up under the Delta Forces. The Delta are a military branch that breeds soldiers, starting their training at a young age, and having them remain in the military until they no longer able to be of service. Their upbringing gives has them give undying loyalty to the organization they exist to love.
---Hawk is bred from Jedrik and another Delta's DNA. He grows up as a Delta, living alongside his squad. At the age of 15, NT officials find him as the brother of Rose Watson, and decide to give Red Roots another go. They take him out of his squad, and commit him into Red Roots.
Rose comes back
---Rose returns to Tau Ceti when she hears Red Roots was restarted, and has every intention to shut it down, so that no one will have to suffer through what she did. She's also worried what would happen if the project succeeds, and NT gleans off the desired data.
---With the help of Athena, Rose sneaks around NT, getting her AI to the needed stations to destroy the research data collected for Red Roots. At the same time, she teams up with rebel groups, embezzling money from the project to assist in distant refugee efforts.
---Athena was developed by a Tajaran named Karima Mo'Taki. Karima worked for Nanotransen, helping research teams develop and program their AIs. She took a strong interest in programming, focusing her personal research on creating a sentient AI. However, as a Tajaran, most of her research was never recognized or appreciated. NanoTransen tried to confiscate Athena for themselves, but Karima fled with Rose and Lori, taking all her research with her. She now provides the necessary tools that Rose needs in Tau Ceti - most importantly, Athena's 'ghosting' capabilities. Athena is able to scramble data to forge documents and confuse other AIs, distracting them long enough for Rose to slip under the radar.
---Rose went under the alias Roxi Wallace, working double time for refugee assistance, and gathering intel on stolen engine designs. Eventually, her identity was compromised. She picked up another disguise, and now goes around as Angel McCoy.
I couldn't figure out where to drop this thread, so if it needs to be moved elsewhere, please do. I'm looking for constructive criticism. Good, honest, solid, criticism. Please, do not hold back! Tell me all that you love and hate about my character's story.
To get the gist of their story, I've summed it up:
Rose Watson
---Jedrik Silverstone meets Maria Watson - they have a child, Rose Watson. Before Rose is born, Maria divorces Jedrik. Maria dies when Rose is age 3, and Rose is taken up to the orphanage.
---Rose grows up, gets into a lot of trouble as a kid/teen. Drops out of college, and sells drugs on the streets. She, and a group of friends form a small gang, and they work for a Mafia/black market. She picks up the nickname 'Rosie Thorns'. Police eventually arrest Rose, imprisoned for one year of hard labor. She spends six months hiding from the Mafia until her old friend Lori comes back to Mars and helps her move to Tau Ceti.
---Rose starts working for NanoTransen, gets into Security. She wants to leave her old life behind and start fresh. She apprentices under Lysanuh Dilgan to achieve Head of Security.
---One shift, her HoS implant is hacked by Syndicate. She unwillingly assassinates Dilgan (who gets cloned) and suffers severe trauma from the incident.
---NT is shocked how Rose managed to function despite the hacked implant, instead of succumbing to a raving madwoman. They begin to keep a close eye on her.
---One day, NT officials pulls a stunt and pretend to execute Dilgan. Rose begins to investigate his case, discovering that what was said on paper is a complete lie. With help, she plans to break into the morgue his body is kept and steal it to be recloned, but a Deathsquad is sent to kill her off - before touching down, however, they get the orders to instead bring her in alive.
---Arrested on the spot, Rose is implanted and given a choice: be killed for her combined crimes performed in Tau Ceti, and Mars, or agree to a military experiment. She chooses to live and goes with the experiments.
---Researchers try to understand her coping mechanism implanting her with modified loyalty chips to see if they can create a desired reaction. Their main goal, was to develop an artificial method that would assist in blocking out hacked implants. Slowly, Thorns influence becomes noticeable, Rose reverting back to the mindset she used when she was younger to get out of trouble. She begins thinking more like the criminal Rosie Thorns instead of following the learned SOP of NT.
---Rose is sent on a mission to infiltrate the Syndicate, but she fails and gets captured. The Syndicate torture her during interrogation, to the point Rose couldn't take it anymore, and she fully reverts to her hidden split personality, Thorns.
---Thorns, now implanted with a Syndicate chip, is made to work for the Syndies. One mission fails, and Rose/Thorns is killed in combat. NT retrieves her body and clones it.
---Rose tries to return to a normal life, but suffers from depression, PTSD, suicidal tendencies, and uncontrolled outbursts. One shift she snaps, and attacks the crew of her station. She's restrained and moved to an asylum.
---Officials are tired of putting up with Rose and decide to scrap her project. They order her to be executed. However, on the day of her execution, Jedrik Silverstone makes a desperate move and breaks her free, helping her get on a ship bound out of Tau Ceti. Jedrik is killed protecting Rose.
---Rose moves to Canthis Manoris, a star system far away from both NT and Syndicate influence. She's moved to a mental hospital, undergoing therapy and medication. Her split personality becomes complete, but Rose learns to control Thorns, and direct the persona to be less destructive.
Hawk Silverstone:
---Jedrik Silverstone had donated his DNA for genetic research - this ends up under the Delta Forces. The Delta are a military branch that breeds soldiers, starting their training at a young age, and having them remain in the military until they no longer able to be of service. Their upbringing gives has them give undying loyalty to the organization they exist to love.
---Hawk is bred from Jedrik and another Delta's DNA. He grows up as a Delta, living alongside his squad. At the age of 15, NT officials find him as the brother of Rose Watson, and decide to give Red Roots another go. They take him out of his squad, and commit him into Red Roots.
Rose comes back
---Rose returns to Tau Ceti when she hears Red Roots was restarted, and has every intention to shut it down, so that no one will have to suffer through what she did. She's also worried what would happen if the project succeeds, and NT gleans off the desired data.
---With the help of Athena, Rose sneaks around NT, getting her AI to the needed stations to destroy the research data collected for Red Roots. At the same time, she teams up with rebel groups, embezzling money from the project to assist in distant refugee efforts.
---Athena was developed by a Tajaran named Karima Mo'Taki. Karima worked for Nanotransen, helping research teams develop and program their AIs. She took a strong interest in programming, focusing her personal research on creating a sentient AI. However, as a Tajaran, most of her research was never recognized or appreciated. NanoTransen tried to confiscate Athena for themselves, but Karima fled with Rose and Lori, taking all her research with her. She now provides the necessary tools that Rose needs in Tau Ceti - most importantly, Athena's 'ghosting' capabilities. Athena is able to scramble data to forge documents and confuse other AIs, distracting them long enough for Rose to slip under the radar.
---Rose went under the alias Roxi Wallace, working double time for refugee assistance, and gathering intel on stolen engine designs. Eventually, her identity was compromised. She picked up another disguise, and now goes around as Angel McCoy.
). You know, if Hawk is supposed to be this high class military trained dude on a civilian station the reason most people don't know what Hawk is talking about is simple, they are civilians! Intertwining backstories is good I guess but I see that as more of a cop out then a good story idea. I mean, yeah it gives you a clear opening for RolePlay but how often do you go to a job and find that all the people there are connected to you some how? You don't.
